Baggage, what’s too much?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “baggage” people bring into a relationship. When is it too much? Family issues? Drugs? Alcohol? All the above? But what if that person is completely amazing and had a great family but a shit ton of baggage?

A friend of mine starting seeing someone. Let’s call him Peter. She is about 5 years younger than him. Well her and Peter starting seeing each other and soon enough he bought her some expensive toys. Now mind you she has an awesome job as a nurse. She makes bank. But for some reason this guy buys her a $300 Cardiac Stethoscope and some Dr. Dre beats headphones. What was this gesture for? Ensuring that she stays? Having insecurities about her making good money? Or is simply because he’s nice? Are we over thinking this? I don’t think so, BUT I’m a chick. We over think everything. But it is a little too soon for all this. They haven’t been seeing each other for two months even. She has met his immediate family already and approves telling me that they are kind and normal. He has an ex, not sure if it’s an ex-wife or not. But he has a kid too, he is 9 if I recall correctly. She also told me that the baby momma is normal as well…she added kinda chubby too.

Now here comes the baggage, he has a kid. Well some people wouldn’t include that baggage, others would. But I don’t see that as an issue with this situation. Here’s the real shit. He took her out for a date and brought her some flowers and took her to a very nice restaurant. She said the bill was around $400 but what stuck with me is that she stressed that he had about 4 drinks and 3 shots at dinner. Shots at a fancy diner on a date? …One of their first dates.. Hmm… Then she said they went to a bar/nightclub later and he had about 6 more drinks and 4 more shots. Quickly, I asked her what his drink of choice was. Gin & Tonic. Nice. This wasn’t the first time they had went out and he had drunk a lot. A previous time he had gotten wasted and called her a bitch and said something about how she thinks that she’s better than him. Which obviously is true you scumbag. Sorry but that’d be the drawing line for me. You want bitch? Ill give you bitch. Only myself and people that know me well enough can call me a bitch. Well because I am one. But youuu my friend cannot call me a bitch. Alright, enough about what I think….SO She told me he held his liquor really well and he didn’t even look that drunk. I mean we all hold our liquor differently, including myself. She said when he got back to her house he was looking for more liquor and seemed more intoxicated. She told me that she was really attracted to him at the beginning of the relationship but looking at him at her house, he looked like a fool and she didn’t even want to kiss him. But she claimed that she didn’t have any more liquor and he started passing out. She forgot to mention to me that he brought a bag to stay over along with the flowers that accompanied him earlier in the evening. The next morning he wanted more liquor but she had dumped it all before he could get to it. She has talked to him previously about this drinking problem that she thinks he has. She told me that he has a way of convincing others and himself that he can stop whenever he wants. That day, she was trying to kick him out of the house and he wasn’t catching hints. He eventually left…

Well the current issue is that his birthday was the other day and she was worried about what to do. He kept calling her off her work phone and cell phone. Knowing very well that she’s busy as shit at work. She didn’t know whether to buy him something or completely blow him off. Everyone drinks on their birthday so she assumed that he was going to get hammered. But she knew one thing, she did NOT want to be with him. When I heard him say I miss you on the phone I knew she was in deep shit. She tried telling him that she was probably going to get out of work later and he wouldn’t have any of it. He claimed that he didn’t wanna make any plans with friends cause he wanted to see her. She kept insisting that he tries to make plans with his friends and he kept asking if there was any time she could make for him that day.

So here me and her were, trying to think of what to do. Now, if anyone is an expert at getting guys to run to the hills, it’s me. So I’m usually not in this situation. But I couldn’t think of what to say besides the fact that he was going to do whatever it took to see her today. She was eventually going to have to tell him that she wasn’t feeling it anymore. …She didn’t want to do that on his birthday though so I totally understand that.

So what is too much? She said he has a great family and friends, but he has this issue with drinking and he was completely relentless with calling her work phone. That is creepy. He was power dialing her like a maniac, or a 12 yr old girl. I just find him kind of creepy and irritating. My bitchass would ignore him. He’d catch the hint sooner or later right? But, I feel like that wouldn’t be enough for this guy and I kind feared for my friend. She really couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I just wanted to help her. He clearly wasn’t making her happy. But should she stay and try to get him help? I mean this is what I’m trying to say about baggage. When is it too much to handle? I know I wouldn’t be able to stay in that relationship. He’s older and has a kid and has a big boy career, not to mention he might not WANT to change his ways. I mean she is getting great expensive gifts from him cause he has a good paying job. That’s not everything though. You can’t buy happiness. Cliche right? But honestly, he can’t BUY her love. His job and kid really don’t matter and I don’t think she cares either. You could be a garbage man, or an ice cream man, or a bank teller. I don’t care what you do as long as you care about me… right? She probably agrees. I think the biggest issue here is that she doesn’t have feelings anymore. Regardless of his drinking problem, she needs to leave cause she doesn’t care for him anymore.

But I’d like to hear from you too. What do you think your drawing point is? The kid? The booze? The obsessiveness? Or what situation have YOU been in that has been similar and you didn’t know whether to stay? Guys too, lets hear it. What did she bring into the relationship that you couldn’t get past?You can comment below anonymously without an email or user name or anything. I like the feedback, good & bad πŸ˜‰

XOXO Court

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10 thoughts on “Baggage, what’s too much?

  1. Ok first of all this guy is an alcoholic hands down. Second of all he is insecure because he stated she thinks she’s better than him, which REALLY means HE’S the one who thinks that. He’s so insecure he cannot handle a younger successful woman.Third he’s obviously verbally abusive because he called her a bitch. He’s trying to slowly cut away at her self-esteem to bring her down to his level.The child doesn’t have anything to do within the situation at hand. The father is the screwed up one and probably why his ex left him. Your friend should run for the hills birthday or not. If you allow this type of behavior you are basically telling them it’s ok to treat you like crap. Children are not baggage, you just have to know if you are ready and wiling to be a step-mom, that’s your own choice. If you’re not ready for that responsibility, then don’t date others with children.

    Tara Richter – Internet Dating Coach

  2. Oh … I apologize right off the bat. I can tell this will be a LONG reply!

    So … lets start off. Firstly, there are no red flags here. Nope, nope. It’s more flares. Bursting red flares that light up the sky and spells out in a fireworks-like message: RUN.

    I hate to sound so negative, and this person your friend has dated may be a nice guy deep down, however, at this point, with not a whole lot invested in the relationship, this would be the time for her to step away from it. She does not need to be mean or anything about it of course (and it does not sound as if she would be) … but in cases like this, letting the other person know that you do not wish to see them anymore, however kindly you can do it, should be coupled with a no-nonsense approach as well. Letting the other person think there might be hope would just lead to more lingering and subsequent talks that just get even more uncomfortable.

    And … I quite understand that your friend might not want to do this on his birthday. However, in this case I think she should. See the next paragraph as to why.

    The way this person behaves ~ drinking, abusive language, controlling. A trio of behaviors that cannot be overstated in its danger. The fact that this person calls her work place, does not wish to leave her apartment, and makes her feel bad if she does not wish to be with him on his birthday starts out being passive-aggressive (which is just so not a situation to be involved with)…but starts to turn scary. His behavior leads me to believe that this can be a very angry person .. and potentially physically abusive. There is NOT DOUBT that he would be verbally and mentally abusive in my opinion. That he would start a relationship out this way….ahhhhhh! It would only get worse.

    In my opinion, the fact that she does not wish to see him anymore is reason enough to leave. The fact that he is controlling, and an excessive drinker is reason to stop seeing him immediately.

    Regarding your question about deal breakers. I agree with the previous commenter regarding children. (Ack, I have to, I have a child at home too *smiles*.) They are not baggage…however, I do think it can be a deal-breaker for some.

    What I do think is that perhaps if you could think before hand and decide what these deal-breakers are for you personally…then that would help. And, “before hand” is key here. Once you start seeing someone, what would have been deal-breakers before … well, you start to sometimes make yourself believe they are not. (To be sure, sometimes what you find were deal-breakers you may truely find you were wrong about.)

    Some things to think about beforehand might include children (nods…the reality is that some people do not want children at that time), distance (i.e., what do you feel about long distance relationships), money (yes, it seems shallow…but really, wouldn’t it be nice if they at least had a job), religion (for some it matters), and a whole slew of other potential things.

    Can you decide on all these things beforehand? Can your feeling not change on them over time or depending who the person is? Of course. But if there really are deal-breakers…knowing what they are ahead of time could save someone a lot of heartache in the future.

    Aghhh….see. Long response. Bad Katie. Bad. Bad.

    (By the way, a good blog you wrote … this applies to so many people I think)

    • I agree with every word. The kid really doesn’t have much to do with it but other people wouldn’t agree with me. I knew this guy was a disaster from the beginning. She was talking to me with such disgust while explaining the story. She wanted me to write about It and get some feedback. Well here it is gf!!!! Preach it girls πŸ™‚ Well said ladies and thank you!

  3. The kid often shows that people have messed up in the past, but they way they move on from that obstacle shapes them as a person. Seems he’s moved on to drinking. If he has a kid, he should be buying that kid expensive gifts. If he really wants to get over drinking he should set up a prize for himself anytime he doesn’t drink. Like a jar to put money he would have spent on drinking, and then use it for something fun for him and his kid to enjoy. just an idea. the obsessiveness is a little much, how old is he?

  4. Pingback: Update! | Hopeless Romantic.

    • Hmm maybe it’s not the jag offs we like. Guys can be very deceiving. I would never go for a jag off but sometimes I’m dumb and can’t tell. Or sometimes they are good liars..
      something to think about…
      There are some good girls still out there, I promise

      • I dont doubt you when you say that there are nice girls out there, but it seems like all of my friends or girls i have encountered seem to go for guys who treat them bad, and they complain about it and they stay with it. maybe im just meeting the wrong people! haha πŸ˜›

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